Big

When she was born she was the largest kitten. No white at all except under her tummy, she was black as night. As she and her three sisters grew, she maintained her status as the biggest. Not being great at sexing tiny kittens, I simply assumed she was a he. She was so big. So we called her Big. But still thought she was a he until we took the three kittens to be spayed and neutered. It was then we learned she was a she.

But the name stuck. She was still the biggest and she was still Big. She was also the wildest, bravest and the most aloof although she was still very affectionate. It's just that the other two kittens, Spot and Angel, were better in that department than she was although she had the biggest purr to go with her large frame.

Probably the first out the doggie door unto the back screened porch, she led the way as the 8 month old kittens played and explored their new, uncharted territory. Probably, she was the first out the last doggie door and into the great outdoors. She led the way as the kittens frolicked in the small yard, climbing the trees, running and finally, walking on the top of the board fence.

It was just a hop down into the big yard, an acre, at least. And then off to the east property, in its natural state. They played and played, always coming home when I called to spend each night in their kitty kondo.

Until Saturday night. With Spot and Angel tucked in, I called and called for Big. She didn't come. I walked the yard, and down to the gate. I waited in the house and went out again. No Big. She had never spent a night anywhere but with her sisters, safe in their beds.

The windows were open and I went to bed listening for her little meow, asking to come in the front door but there was nothing and I fell asleep.

Dan went to work early on Sunday and I got up, asking if he'd seen her. He said he thought she had come in but it wasn't her, it was her mom. I searched the yard, the east property, drove around the two blocks and called and called all morning. Big never come and I knew in my heart something had happened to her.

Speaking to a friend on the phone, telling her I was devastated that I had lost one of the kittens, I looked out the front window at the horse trailer. Under the trailer I saw the familiar shape of a cat. Hanging up, I ran outside to the trailer calling her name.

She didn't move and I knew the worst. The trailer is very low to the ground and crawling underneath was not easy. I made it far enough to reach her back leg. She lay on her side. She looked asleep but her cold body told me what I had known in my heart. My Big was dead.

There were no marks on her where she had been bitten by a dog or hit by a car, there was nothing to indicate how she had died. I cried for a long time. I had known something bad had happened and the tiny kitten I had helped deliver ten months ago was gone.

When Dan came home, we buried her near where I had buried her two stillborn sisters. I sat for a long time with Spot, Angel and Noche, their mom. They stayed close to me that day and I feel certain they knew she was gone long before I found her.

Dan mentioned that Sophie, our Standard Poodle, hadn't wanted to come in the house that night. She seemed concerned. She knew where Big was and didn't want to come in because she was guarding her.

I will miss her so, the brave one, the wild one. I was only able to share ten months with her but they were such wonderful months and I will never forget my biggest kitten, my Big.